I keep hearing them in my head.
The voices of my three…. what they would say if they got to see what I’ve seen the the last several days.
Isn’t that funny?… how when you love someone, you can’t enjoy something without imagining what they would say about if they were there too?
Love links you like that. No matter where you go or what you do. When you enjoy, you want them to be enveloped by it like you are. It’s almost an ache that creeps in.
Like this morning, when the tips of the trees were in the clouds. And the sun was doing its business behind them, clearing the haze away more and more as it rose higher and higher.
As we twisted and wound our way to a nearby river town in the early hours, I envisioned the wide eyes and dropped jaws of my kids in my mind and it seared me that I have taken in this wild glory without them.
I kind of got over it when I was able to eat breakfast by myself with no qualms or interruptions, but still.
This has been a very precious and needed time away, but I do keep channeling my children as I imbibe it all.
Parenting does this to a person. It’s one of the greatest gifts of spawning humans – seeing things as a child again, regaining some of your lost awe, taking note of the new and wonderful.
It’s a returning, a remembering… and it helps and heals you in a way.
It’s close to bedtime here in the Pacific Northwest. I have heard my children rave about the fir dotted foothills. I have looked at their faces as they see ever reaching mountains for the first time. I have watched my boys tramp and poke and pick up insects along creek beds. I have watched my girl happily hop from stone to stone.
When all the while they aren’t really here.
But Mama…. is trusting that someday, the whole five of us will feast on this corner of the country at once.
The joy of this place will be made complete only then.