I’d rather be at the library.
But when I pulled into the library parking lot this morning, I realized it was closed.
Libraries should never, ever, ever be closed. Ever.
So I’m here, in a busy breakfast joint instead – trying to sort out life.
I’d prefer to be surrounded by books than the bustle of all these people, so I thought about just heading home.
But I have business and emails and lesson plans to attend to – and being at home doing those things doesn’t always pan out to be productive at all.
Therefore, the smell of burnt breakfast sandwiches and flavored coffee is in the air. Babies are crying, groups of people are meeting, the clang of the cafe dish abounds.
I am grateful for ear buds and iTunes radio at this point.
The Ohio trip has ended, leaving me glad for the hellos – but also leaving me gripping a mile high to-do list to sift through, all the worries waiting on me that I had before I left, plus some.
Rain is falling, the cloud cover is hovering low, flash flood warnings are going off on everyone’s cell phones.
The weather fits my mood, really.
I feel so very small today.
So very, very small.
And somewhat incapable.
And maybe even a tad lost.
I feel like a few bubbles have been busted.
At 32, I look back and I look around and I look forward from where I currently sit – and I feel weird.
So much of what I thought I would accomplish, I never did.
And no wonder. I was always a really good dreamer, but a pretty lousy doer.
So much of what I envisioned for my life – isn’t what has come to fruition.
That isn’t necessarily bad.
It’s just weird.
Pondering in this way – leaves me feeling strange, true.
But please do hear that I also feel thankful. Thankful for the good things I do have, and the bad things I don’t. Thankful for the good that has happened, and for the terrible that didn’t.
So while I’m at this cafe tending to the everyday mundane – lists, messages, curriculum…. I’m also thinking about where I go from here – in the big picture.
What should I continue?
What should I drop?
What dreams do I hold onto?
Which ones do I hush?
What desires are good and noble?
Which ones are haughty and selfish?
What in the world should I be working toward?
Asking God to reveal Himself to me.
Also asking that He would reveal me to me.