Monthly Archives: May 2016

The Bad and the Beautiful

The sun looked like something you could peel.

There it was, just an orange orb in the East, breaking our day open.

I was getting to see the dawn of Saturday as I drove to the city to sit over coffee with a friend.

And as I made my way down that freeway, trying not to get too distracted by the fireball cracking our weekend open, I think I said it out loud….

“And then there’s THAT, God.”

Then there’s this hot star to beacon the day, and the moon to flashlight the night, and the beauty of all those flowers I snap.

They are there.

Because just the day before I had walked and wondered a grassy knoll thinking about the devastation one family in New York City has recently felt over losing their son to cancer. I had just read about the awful circumstances, the terrible process of his dying, the details and the grit of what transpired for this young child. His body was ravaged and tortured because of the disease and it was ugly and awful and real.

And as I reached the end of the path I was on, tears leaked out of my sunglasses and I couldn’t make them stop, and I wanted to punch the sky.

And it made me think of the other devastations that unfold all over the groaning earth, and I wanted to stomp on hard ground and say no. All the abuse, the disasters, the immense pain – people are crying out as I type this comfortably at my kitchen table. And it slips me into despair.

But then dawn broke on Saturday.

And the contrast cuts deep.

So much bad, so so so much bad. But then there’s┬ábeauty.

It’s hard for me to reconcile it all.

I reached the cafe where my friend and I were meeting. I got there early on purpose to read, scribble down some thoughts, and watch the blue of the heavens grow brighter.

A couple came in the side door in front of me. She walked with a gate and cane but wasn’t even close to the age of typically needing to do so. She had a bag full of medicine she placed on a table, and her husband had to assist her in sitting.

Before she started in on her coffee, the couple clasped hands for prayer. She lifted up thanks and her body was very broken and she was still able to praise and I was a student.

People being able to point to Him. Hearts housing all kinds of belief in the midst of sorrow. Faith still hanging on as hope runs dry.

Baffling.

But being honest here, I still have all the questions. Witnessing beauty and seeing belief don’t whisk them away. They offer a buffer, but the bad still screams.

My oldest just came in early, so blond, growing, handsome – and the first words out of his mouth all boyish and somewhat sleepy were…

“Have you seen the backyard? The sun is lighting up a pine like crazy.”

And the timing of this doesn’t escape me.

I slip on flip flops, tighten my morning robe, and go out back to see that wild circle shine on my questions again.

Laughter

I still feel yesterday hanging around behind my eyes. I got a good nights rest, no one needed anything, the hour was early when my head found the pillow, sleep was solid. But when the alarm sang this morning I didn’t feel like I had gathered up all my rest yet. You’ll have that I suppose. Being a Mama is… Read more →

A Walk and Repose

I chased wildflowers on my walk this weekend. Skimming the edge of a bayou, I found a plethora of blooming patches strewn across a green belt. Golds, crimsons, pinks. I was walking with nowhere to go but lots to discover, much to gather up and think about and pocket. I knew that the rest of the weekend would require much… Read more →

Redoing

How did the laundry go from a pile, to a hill, to a mountain… just in that amount of time? If I cease my constant cycle of clothes washing even for a day, the clothes go from a manageable mound to an overflowing and out of control alp, in a blink. I know there are five of us, with numerous… Read more →

Yesterday

The baby is in a deep snooze. I took a quick peek of her just now and she is side sleeping so sweet and dreamy. The big kids are bouncing on black out back, taking a break from the books. I have joined them outside. The wind is blowing hard and heavy in these parts today. Our pines are dancing… Read more →

Now, and Then

I was right in the middle of my routine run, clean, and scurry. Once a week I scrub past the surface and try to get each room looking like it’s in some state of order and array. The night before I had slipped into a bath looking for solace and rest, so my journal and book things were still stacked… Read more →

A Sunday Write

Even though it’s set to rain later today, I feel hope rising. I’ve mentioned it before… This joyful expectancy that wakes up with me on many Sundays. There’s even a cleansed feeling to it, a freedom that accompanies the hope. I’ve laid out prostrate on numerous Saturday nights feeling some kind of miss and stir, for it to only completely… Read more →