Monthly Archives: January 2018

In Grief and Absence

In an hour they’ll all gather.

I wish so badly I could be there to mourn and hug and resolve and remember.

Instead, I’m here tending to two boys with fevers and flu symptoms. Halfheartedly, if I may be so honest.

Sitting at my long white Magnolia table yesterday, my husband and I discussed how I might be able to swing a road trip up north for my friend Carrie’s funeral. It feels so strange to type the words Carrie and funeral in the same sentence. Feels wrong and jagged.

In the middle of making plans, the youngest came over to us feeling like fire. He had been mostly well for a few days, only to have his fever spike again. His brother fell ill later in the evening. No school for the boys means no trip for Mama.

Since I can’t be there with the others in grief, I’ll let it spill here. Words seem to come the slowest when things are the darkest, so it may not amount to much, but I want to muster up something.

Having Carrie for a friend was like having a journal that talked back. 

We were tight pen pals. She knew things about me, my life, my marriage, my heart, my plans – first. And sometimes she was the first, and the only. She was a faithful prayer warrior, cheerleader, life-speaker, a grounded and faith-filled voice that spoke truth to me in frantic, happy, ordinary moments.

I got to know her in Ohio before we moved to Houston, but our hearts grew super close from our very steady exchange of emails. They were filled with joys, sorrows, concerns, questions, plans, ideas…… life.

Separated by so many miles we journeyed together, and her passing has left me with a heavy grief.

Amazing how homes can be so far away while hearts can be just right next door.

I’ve lost a friend, but I’ve also lost a practice,  a method for dealing with life. One of my most faithful sounding boards and encouragements is busy worshipping her Savior face to face these days. Knowing this, makes the loss a tiny, tiny bit lighter.

Friends and family who are mourning Carrie’s passing:

If I could gather up all the hugs in all the world today and send them to you in one big embrace…I would. 

For everyone else:

Head here to listen to one of Carrie’s original pieces. 

I love you all.

Winding Thoughts on the Word

I’m sitting in the sun seeking the Savior and I don’t know if there are better things. There aren’t in this moment. The light is streaming in from the window and the Word is filling me from the table and it’s making things better, making me better. The sun and the Son together. They change me. Cheesy, but true. There’s… Read more →

A Sunday and a Season

It’s Sunday and my seat will be empty. That seat there next to the preacher where I stand and raise one hand in worship and slip the other into his – it will be vacant today and I feel sour about it. The youngest is ill. And when the preacher’s kid gets sick it’s the preacher’s wife who has to… Read more →

How to Journey

This past year was marvelous and ugly all mixed. I learned a lot in the darkness, and grew a lot in the light, and gained bravery and brazenness in what was hard yet beautiful. I have expectations for this next go-around. Scary, considering the fact that so many of our ideals and longings and thoughts don’t come to pass in… Read more →

How to Journey

This past year was marvelous and ugly all mixed. I learned a lot in the darkness, and grew a lot in the light, and gained bravery and brazenness in what was hard yet beautiful. I have expectations for this next go-around. Scary, considering the fact that so many of our ideals and longings and thoughts don’t come to pass in… Read more →