I’m sitting in the sun seeking the Savior and I don’t know if there are better things.
There aren’t in this moment.
The light is streaming in from the window and the Word is filling me from the table and it’s making things better, making me better.
The sun and the Son together. They change me. Cheesy, but true.
There’s a Yahtzee game box with all its contents scattered about here as well, an empty coffee cup, a book, a calendar, flowers.
The puppy is wreaking havoc as usual, and the children are enjoying some screen time as they make their way through their afternoon.
I have groceries to put away in the kitchen, and more rounds for the washer to complete, and a few more messages to send. But His message to me is what I needed more than anything today and so I sit here receiving it. I don’t always. But today I quieted the hustle, and the light shot right through my front windows as I sat down to do so. Why can’t I remember that obedience, habits, uncompromised disciplines always bring some type of light-filled reward? Always.
I feel like chasing the sun as it begins to set here. God let our hearts always run after You.
It’s Monday now and I’m sitting in the sun again, reading again, feeling warmed but heavy.
I’m cracking open the Word as my friend Carrie lays critical in the ICU.
For the past 6 years she has pointed me to Jesus. To scripture. To truth. We have been weekly and bi-weekly prayer and pen pals for all these years. We have tagged one another hundreds of times to discuss, vent, pray over things like strep throat, and transitions, and dreams, and trips, and parenting, and marriage, and art, and God. I got to know Carrie at our old church in Ohio, where she would lead worship at the women’s events my friend Mary and I orchestrated. We bonded over books, music, introversion, and a craving for the things of the Spirit. But I was also drawn to her because of the delightful things she inhabited that I lacked: Calmness and positivity. She spills those two things all over the place and so I’ve held out my cup to catch some as often as possible.
I’m fuller because of her.
Miracle prayers for Carrie (and her husband, her parents, and three young boys) are much appreciated.
And now, as the crows cock over the back pasture, and the house birds sing atop our roof, and my doodle lays in the grass beside me, how do I write about anything else? How does the world keep spinning when someone you love is in a binding struggle for life? Everything and everyone just keeps carrying on. And it feels odd for it to be that way.
And now here we are on a grey Wednesday afternoon.
I’m consuming a plate of roasted potatoes (because….Whole30), and the dryer is spinning (is it ever not?), and I don’t have long before I fetch our children from their school day.
The theme of the last few entries here has been scripture. It’s opened up before me again, to Genesis this time. And I’m looking at the pages of my Bible and do you know what is littering the margins?
The pastor’s wife has question marks scrawled in ink all over her version of the written Word.
And do you know, that I get a real sweet sense that my God doesn’t mind them being there?
I love the story found in the first chapter of John where Nathanael is doubting if anything good can from Nazareth. Philip has told him that the Christ has arrived and Nathanael is very heavily doubting it. Openly. Honestly. Refusing to get caught up in the hype, only wanting what is truly holy. When Jesus approaches Nathanael he doesn’t say “How dare you doubt me, my story, my words, my purpose!” Instead, He says, “Here is truly an Israelite in whom there is no deceit!”
Nathanael’s doubt and caution didn’t displease Jesus. They showed Him that Nathanael was a man of honest reflection and sincerity. And He praises him for it.
Jesus then gives Nathanael tangible reasons to believe that He is indeed the Savior, and because of it, Nathanael’s skepticism fades right into fervent faith.
I think he views my question marks the same way. He sees them as real and honest, and He sees them as an opportunity to reveal Himself. And I can tell you that there is nothing better than revelations like that!
In the Christian life, it’s not IF we will have doubts and questions, it’s WHEN. We WILL have them. And there are things that we won’t understand until Glory fully comes.
In the meantime, I’m thankful for a God who grants grace, shows up, and erases a few of those marks that line my Revised Standard Version.
May the sun shine brightly on you this week, may your family enjoy fresh healing and health, and may God meet you in your gravest, grandest, most boldly written question marks.
He is faithful and you are loved.