Who I Am

I’m starting to see some color tinge the tips of these mountain trees.

We’re sitting here on the fringes of fall, in a place that actually feels and sees the seasons change.

This delights us, so our eyes have been peeled and peaked for signs of the switch.

Crisper air can be felt in the mornings and evenings already, and even this heat-loving woman is wondering what good things will come as we welcome autumn.

I’m writing out back today, with a pup chewing a stick to my left, and an eight year old girl-child punching keys like her Mama to my right.

Flying crows are cawing in the field. Purple weed grass is standing tall and still underneath them. A fluff-spotted sky is overhead. And Mama is happy.

I haven’t had many moments to sit in the joyful zone of writing as of late, which means a part of me has wilted. That section of my soul is feeling a bit more quenched even after spilling just a few lines here. I’m grateful.

Last night, I sat up late in bed looking over my pale pink calendar book. Friends and family are on me about stepping into the 21st century and using a technological device for my scheduling needs, but I’m an old fogey when it comes to loving printed boxes on real life paper.

Looking over my agenda late at night proved to be quiet foolish as I went on to try and rest and felt frenzied instead.

Because all the blocks on the sheets were inked. They all had me somewhere to be. I have friends who thrive on that kind of life. I used to strive and strain to be like them. But through a series of precious and personal encounters with God, I began to clearly and surely understand that He had indeed made me different.

I’m an observer and a reporter. I can interact and enter in, but I gain energy and fulfill my purposes when I’m alone. I very much enjoy a good spot of fellowship, a nice event, some inspiring interaction – but then I need to return to the quiet.

For me, lots of grand things happen in the hush.

Revelation. Insight. Ideas. Creativity. Healing. Rest. Education. Energy. Sanity.

It took me years to accept it. I’m still tying to fully understand it. I’m learning how to manage it. And finally, finally – I’m okay with it.

I’m thinking of that old adage that’s usually chalked up to Socrates…. “Know Thyself.” 

Yes.

What’s brilliant is, I only got to know myself by getting to know God.

A correct view of Him, produced an accurate view of me. And it’s changed everything.

So I pulled out my journal and listed out the areas of my life that need a bit of an overhaul – to fit into this mold I’ve been shaped into. It feels good to recognize a need for change and to actually start the process.

It may be a bit of a struggle, because we live in a world that says more is better, that we should find our worth in how busy we are, how high we can climb, how seen we can be.

But it helps that I’ve been hearing the whisper of this lately…

“You can either do a lot of things frantically, or a few things well.

And so I move forward. I make changes. I don’t apologize for how I’m woven. And I work. I pick up my plow, and I exert, and I apply, and I administer, and I pour out from a place of confidence and acceptance and security – within the confines of how I’ve been shaped.

Before too long, I plan to sit with you again, to share a poignant story about how the Lord started revealing these sweet truths to my very needy heart. It’s a favorite.

Happiest of weeks to you, friends. God willing, back soon. 🙂

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