I had a post all scribbled down and close to complete….explaining why I was calling it quits for a season.
Explaining that this novice of a writer likes to write….to be read.
I had explained in furry one late dark night last week, red-faced and embarrassed – that while I was thankful for my fist-full of faithful readers – I was also immensely discouraged by so few showing up.
I had gone to all those other journals- by all those other Mamas that not only write blogs……but books.
And I had meandered down to the comments sections – to see the many responses. And I had perused the sidebars and noticed all of the contributions and links and accolades.
And the pictures. Oh, the artful pictures these women attach to their writing….such beauty.
But me here….with no comments, no links, no matrix, no networks, no ties to awesomeness. No high resolution camera to catch moments. No money in the budget for domains and design and blog conferences. No grammar prowess. No leads that my writing was going anywhere, ever.
While it’s certainly true that I had heard and groaned and grown…from spilling it all out here – And while I understood that it wasn’t about the numbers and the fancy…. I had become withered.
Shoot….I’m still withered.
But right before I made closing edits and wrapped up the final post – I suddenly got the idea that maybe I should do the opposite of what I felt….and dive headlong into what I knew.
At some point years back…..I had noticed that my heart sang easy and light when words were coming forth.
Words had begun to woo me. And then the pen….it went and sent me swaying, too.
So right there…..on a new budding phenomenon called blogging – I started to jot out snippets and sayings and words and happenings.
“Kate…..you’ve been blogging for over…five years?!?”
Yes, yes. I have.
“And you only have four official followers?”
Uh-huh.
“And you get more hits from spam sites in Russia than you do real searching souls on English speaking ground?”
Yep, that’s right.
I’ve basically been blogging since blogging got big – and here I am – weak and meek in the back row of it all.
And the reality of it, among other things – just hit heavy and deep last week. It just came to a point and I popped.
Deflated, down – I had decided that perhaps I had forced writing to be my thing…..simply because I didn’t have any other thing I could call my own.
Perhaps I had just picked up the pen to satisfy my longing for worth. Perhaps it wasn’t a gift given to me at all – but a hobby I had stumbled across as I groped for purpose.
In the midnight hours as my husband slept in the bed nearby- that’s what I hashed out in my little green notebook that night. And before I turned out the lamp light and laid warm next to him – my mind was made that I would simply set it aside for a while.
I thought that maybe it would be a good test – and a good way to press in to Him about it all.
But then…..I got to the last few lines of explaining it here – and it occurred to me that the one way I really know how to press into God….is by pressing these keys. The one way I know to tap in….is to tap out.
On top of that….
I heard a preacher say once that often times…..the enemy will convince you to quit right before you reach a breakthrough.
And dang-it…. I want breakthrough.
So I’m giving it a go.
Sometimes doing the total opposite of what we feel….and relying on what we know….brings forth good, God things.
I’m praying that the next few months will sprout something new. I’m praying that as I write here in this spot…. that God’s directions for me in this will clarify.
Meet me in the weaving, Lord. And if this is all a waste of my time – show me the way. But if this longing to put words to what I see and hear and learn – is from You…. if the writing can be used to really inspire and move and impact the Kingdom….
then …. let it flower.
I pray for you to receive your answer and feel His presence in whatever direction your heart travels.
I love you.
MawMaw
Kate your words help me to see where God is meeting me right where I am. You are gift to be able to put into words what I can only feel and not express. There are many times that I have read your blogs and felt the release that it wasn't only me! Thank you and I'm following His writing through you even if I'm not one of your official followers (not sure how to know if I am or not!) Love you and miss you! From one Katie to another, with lots of love and prayer!
I Love you! I love how when satan was just about to get you to believe those lies that you reached out your hand in faith and God pulled you out of the miry clay and set your feet upon a ROCK..upon HIM and His TRUTH. Remember YOU are who GOD says you are! Man oh man satan wants to get us to stop using our gifts (it's not just a hobby ;). You will never truly know how many people are touched by what you pour out on this screen…plant the seeds my friend!!! You are awesome at it! Oh, and shame on me for being a taker by following your posts and letting them deeply touch me and not encouraging you! I should know better since my love language is words of encouragement …is that one of yours? 🙂
Aw Kate, I just read this latest blog. I have felt these same thoughts when feeling discouraged about my "sunshine" fbook page I have for "my mom" ..well, And Me. But yes, having few followers compared to so many out there is frustrating. like you, I don't have the extra stuff to boost my page. I don't have a website linked, or 20,000 friends on my main page to boost the extra pages, or hashtag and link to instagram accounts. I don't have the capabilities of even posting daily when we're in hunting season. But this is what I decided after some prayers and thought to closing it. Even though our Ultimate goal is to Share info or insight to OTHERS on the things we've learned and feel from the Spirit, tapping into these things for OURSELVES is first and foremost to Him. These things we're passionate about inside are strengthened when we use the outlets we have to share. And whether I have two people to look or listen or 2thousand, I need to not let discouragement stop it. I just feel that it keeps me on track 1st and maybe some day I will be blessed with sharing these things on a larger level. I support whatever you decide 🙂 but I say, if it means a lot to you, stick with it too! xoxoxo love ya, and God bless *rachelle* this didn't post at first so I put in on your facebook post too.
Thanks MawMaw! I love knowing that you read these words! LOVE YOU!
Katie – oh girl. Your life teaches me. What a gift to know that you stop by here to read sometimes! I miss you! And I think of you SO often! Thank you, friend! Sending hugs your way!
I love you, Tiff 🙂 You're always such an encouragement…. and always bring in sweet, fresh air! SO THANKFUL FOR YOU 🙂 I suppose 'words of encouragement' is a love language of mine – yes….it must be! I'm so glad you read – blesses me to know it! ENJOY your day, my friend!
Yes!!! Rachelle – you're awesome. Got the comment here and on FB! You're a doll and I love ya. 🙂
Girl I love you. I admire you and your courage and your ability to encourage others while you are struggling.
I've been a bad friend and we need to get together. I will remain a bad friend for a little bit. And I'm sorry!
But I'm praying for you.
You aren't a bad friend! No way! You're an inspiring friend! I love thinking about your book project and such…it encourages me! I'm aware that you have some crazy book deadlines coming up….so I know it might be hard to sneak away….but I would LOVE to get together 🙂 THANK YOU for praying for me! Have a good week, Becca!
I wanted you to know that I follow your blog, but I do it through a reader that pulls all my blogs to one place…I'm not sure if you can tell then that I follow you since I don't generally go to your actual website.
This also seems like a good place to tell you that your blog reminds me of that book a blogger wrote that was really popular a few years ago, "A thousand gifts" or something like that…only I like your blog and I didn't like that book. You have similar styles, but you're so much more real and have personality to your writing! You could totally write a book and have it be crazy good and crazy popular if you had the advertising 😉 Love you girl. – Natalie R
Natalie! I read your comment twice…it blessed me so. And to say that the writing here reminds you of Voskamp's ……well that just makes my day, dear. THANK YOU for reading and for leaving such an encouraging word. I hope you have a good, rest-filled, joyful weekend. Love and hugs to you!
Kate,
Writing is definitely not one of my gifts — I stuggle with thank you notes, etc. — SERIOUSLY.
I have been so blessed by your blog. I know even before I open it, that I will experience peace and humbleness. Even when you write about a struggle in your life, I feel uplifted — because you write so openly and honestly.
I have been amazed that you find time to write this blog, but I'm so glad you do. I look forward to reading this each time. I also cut and paste parts of your blog and send to friends that don't normally read blogs. So you are reaching more than you know.
I hope I see you Sunday night.
Judy B.
Oh, Judy 🙂
You have been such a HUGE encouragement to me with the blog. One of my biggest supporters! THANK YOU, friend. Yes! I have missed seeing you. I hope to see you Sunday, as well! ENJOY your week and know that I am VERY grateful for you 🙂
Hugs and Blessings,
Kate 🙂